雅景存在嗎4

楊媛茵 香港中文大學藝術系香港中文大學藝術系 我利用微縮模型重塑雅景花園A12這個地方―我們家在九七金融風暴前的美夢。我幾乎記不起當時的生活，只能從相冊和父母口中得知我們曾經過得很美滿，而我亦對此深信不疑；可是一向相處和睦的父母卻曾經常就「誰要負責任」的問題吵架，反令那段「我」缺席了的記憶成了纏人的心魔。生日和新年是相冊裏常見的景象，我懷疑陳腔濫調的農曆新年祝賀語和生日許願是否自欺欺人，我質疑為何生活沒有變好？事隔多年，父母或許早已對此釋懷，只有我還困在夢魘裏。YEUNG Wun Yan Department of Fine Arts, The Chinese University of Hong Kong Using miniature model, I have reconstructed A12 Fortune Garden - this surreal, dreamlike place my family used to live in before the 1997 Asian financial crisis. I was so young I could barely remember the life we led back then, but from what I could gather from the photos and my parents’ reminiscences, I can tell for a certainty that everything once used to be perfect - the kind of perfection one cannot easily let go of. My parents never stopped fighting over who was responsible for our losses. I do not remember being part of that perfection. I do not remember losing it either. Yet, I couldn’t stop the struggle within myself. I was physically present, captured in so many photographs, yet absent from my own memory. As I look at the photos taken on New Year’s Days and on birthdays, I could not help but wonder if all the blessings exchanged were nothing but empty words we use to fool ourselves. Life never took a turn for the better. After all these years, my parents have moved on and accepted what is now irreversible. Only I alone am still trapped in these memories that weren’t mine to own.